How to Have the "What Are We?" Talk (Without an Ultimatum)
Short answer: have the "what are we?" talk in person, at a calm moment, once not knowing has started to bother you. Say what you feel and what you want first, then ask one open question, such as "Where are you with this?". Do not make it an ultimatum and do not text it. Their answer, including a vague one, tells you what you need to decide next.
When it is time
There is no correct number of dates. If you have been out once or twice, it is early: the only question at that stage is whether you see each other again, and what to text after a first date covers that. It is time for this talk when not knowing has started to change how you act:
- You have stopped seeing other people, or want to, and you do not know whether they have.
- You are holding back. You do not invite them to things or mention them to friends, because you do not know what you are allowed to assume.
- You would be hurt to find out they are dating someone else.
- Something practical needs an answer: a trip, a wedding invitation, meeting each other's friends.
Waiting does not make the answer better. It only changes when you hear it.
Know what you want to find out
Before you say anything to them, answer three questions for yourself.
- What do I want? To be exclusive, to call it a relationship, or to know where it is heading. Be specific. "Clarity" is not something a person can give you.
- What is the one thing I need to know when I leave the conversation? Usually one of these: are we seeing other people, is this heading toward a relationship, do you want what I want.
- What will I do with each answer? A yes, a "not yet" and a no. You do not have to announce it. You have to know it.
If you cannot answer the first question, you are not ready to ask. Better to find that out before the conversation than in the middle of it.
How to open without an ultimatum
A good opener has three parts, in this order:
- What you feel. Something true and warm. "I really like spending time with you."
- What you want. Your own position, stated plainly. "I'm not seeing anyone else, and I don't want to."
- One open question. "Where are you with this?"
Say where you are before you ask where they are. "What are we?" on its own makes them go first and guess what you want to hear. Leading with your side turns an exam into a conversation.
"So what are we, exactly?"
"I need to know where this is going, or I'm done."
"Are you seeing other people? Just be honest."
"I like where this is going, and I've stopped seeing other people. Where are you with it?"
"I've noticed I think of you as my girlfriend. I wanted to check that with you and not just assume. How do you see us?"
"I'm enjoying this a lot. I'm looking for a relationship, and I'd like to know if that's where you see this going."
Choose the setting: in person, sober, unhurried, and private enough to talk. A walk works well, because you are side by side and a silence is easy.
Follow-ups that keep it open
"What does that look like for you?"
"Take your time. I'd rather have a real answer than a fast one."
"Is that a 'not yet' or a 'not this'?"
Then listen. The most common mistake after a good opener is filling the silence with a retreat, such as "but no pressure, it's fine either way". Ask, and wait.
What the common answers mean, and what to say back
| They say | What it usually means | What to say back |
|---|---|---|
| "I feel the same. I'm not seeing anyone else either." | You want the same thing. | Say the plain version out loud so nobody has to guess later: "So we're together. Good." |
| "I really like you, but I need more time." | Interested and not there yet. Sometimes a way to avoid saying no. | "That's fair. What are you unsure about?" Then agree when you will come back to it: "Let's talk again in a few weeks." |
| "I don't like labels." or "Why do we have to define it?" | They like things as they are. That may or may not include commitment. | "I don't need the word. I need to know what it means in practice: are we seeing other people, and is this going somewhere?" |
| "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." | A no to what you asked for, at least for now. | "Thank you for telling me straight. I do want one, so I need to think about what that means for me." |
| "I'm still seeing other people." | You are not exclusive. | "Okay. I'm glad I know. I'm looking for something exclusive, so I'll think about whether this works for me." |
| "Where is this coming from?" or a change of subject | They are surprised or feel cornered. It is not an answer yet. | "Nothing is wrong. I like this, and I wanted to know where you are. We can pick it up tomorrow if now is a bad time." |
A vague answer the first time is normal. People get surprised. A vague answer the second time, after they have had time to think, is an answer.
You are allowed to decide, too. "Not ready" from them does not mean you have to wait without an end date. And do not try to argue anyone into a relationship. If you win the argument, you get the word and not the wanting.
What not to do
- Texting it. A message carries no tone, and you end up reading into a reply that takes three hours. Use text only to set the talk up: "Can we talk on Thursday? Nothing bad, I just want to check in about us."
- Ambushing them. Not in the middle of an argument, not as they are leaving for work, not at a party, not in front of friends.
- Asking when you are upset. If the question comes out because they did not text back, or because of something you saw online, it will sound like an accusation. Wait a day.
- Hinting or testing. Leaving clues, asking a friend to find out, or waiting to see if they bring it up tells you nothing. Ask.
- An ultimatum you do not mean. A boundary is something you will do: "I'm looking for a relationship, so I won't stay in something open-ended for long." An ultimatum is a threat meant to make them do something. Only say what you are ready to follow through on.
Being nervous about this talk is normal. Being afraid of how they will react is different, and it is worth talking through with someone you trust before anything else.
Rehearse it out loud first
This conversation is hard for the same reason asking someone out is hard: the first time you say the words is the time it counts. Change that. Say your opener out loud three times, alone, until you reach the question without a detour. The method is in how to practice asking someone out.
Then practice the part you cannot script, which is their reaction. The ones worth practicing are the difficult ones, vague and defensive, because those are the moments when you will want to back down or to push.
Them: "I don't know. Why do we have to label it?"
You: "We don't have to use a word. I'd just like to know if we're both only seeing each other."
Them: "Can't we just see how it goes?"
You: "We can for a while. I'm telling you where I am so you know. Think about it, and let's talk again next week."
With your counselor in DateViser
Your counselor in DateViser can play the other person for this. She is an AI dating counselor you talk to out loud, like a phone call. Say you want to practice the talk, and she asks two or three quick questions first: who the person is, how you know each other and what they are like. Tell her how they react when things get serious, whether they go vague, make a joke or get defensive. She says clearly that she is now that person and stays in character, with short replies in their tone and silences she does not fill, so you have to carry the conversation. She can be guarded like a real person, but she is never degrading, and you can pause or stop at any time. Afterwards she steps out and gives you feedback: one or two things you actually said that worked and why, one thing to change with a better line you could have used, and an offer to run it again. She remembers the situation, so the next time you call she can ask how the real conversation went. How the AI dating counselor works.
The feedback also lands on your screen as a card. Tell her the person you are seeing changes the subject when things get serious, and after a practice run the card could read:
What worked: You said what you want before you asked. You stayed calm when the subject changed.
One thing to change: You said "it's fine either way" twice, and it is not fine either way. Try: "I'd like an answer, and it doesn't have to be tonight."
She builds the feedback from what you actually say, so yours will be different. She is an AI, not the person you are seeing and not a therapist. She cannot know what they are thinking, and practice does not decide the answer. It makes sure you ask the question you meant to ask.
Frequently asked questions
When should you have the "what are we" talk?
When not knowing has started to change how you act: you have stopped seeing other people and do not know if they have, you are holding back, or you would be hurt to learn they are dating someone else. There is no correct number of dates or weeks. The signal is the feeling, not the calendar.
How do I bring up "what are we" without scaring them off?
Say what you feel and what you want first, then ask one open question: "I like where this is going, and I've stopped seeing other people. Where are you with it?" Do it in person at a calm moment. A clear, friendly question does not scare off someone who wants the same thing.
Is it okay to ask "what are we" over text?
Use text to set up the conversation, not to have it. A message carries no tone, and the reply can sit unanswered for hours while you read into it. Send something like "Can we talk on Thursday? Nothing bad, I just want to check in about us." If you are long distance, have the talk on a call or video call.
What does it mean when they say "I don't want to label it"?
It can mean they need more time, or that they like things as they are and do not want to commit. The word matters less than what it means in practice, so ask: "I don't need the word. Are we seeing other people, and is this going somewhere?" The answer to that tells you where you stand.
What if they say they are not ready for a relationship?
Believe them. You can ask once whether it is "not yet" or "not this", and then decide what you can live with and for how long. Do not try to argue someone into a relationship. You are allowed to want one and to leave something that will not become one.
Can I practice the "what are we" talk before I have it?
Yes, and it helps. Say your opener out loud a few times until you reach the question without a detour. Then have someone play the other person going vague or defensive, so you can practice staying calm. A friend can do it, and so can an AI counselor such as DateViser's, who plays the person from what you tell her and then tells you what worked and one thing to change.